Where do I begin?? I've been feeling a little lost recently. Trying to decide who I am and where I am heading, its all the fun of turning 26 I've gone all deep and emotional haha. So anyway wanted this post to be short and sweet.
I've just been feeling extremely low and not wanting to do anything. My creative streak hit a brick wall and it bloody hurt!! But after much deliberation and soul searching I'm back!!!!!
I found this piece written by me on my computer dated from 6th January 2014. I wrote it when I was in a very reflective place in life, it made me realise my weakness and fears and helped me. I want to share it with you all (God this is such a boring post!!!)
“What am I going to do with the rest of my life?”
Every
day I wake up with the same feeling and thought on my mind “what am I going to do with the rest of my
life?”
It’s not like I can give up everything and just leave, life
is not that simple plus I’m not that naive to think that I can walk away and it
will all be OK. I really want to find something that will make me happy, bring
out the best in me. I have talents that I would like to show people, and new
exciting prospects I want to explore.
I’m fed up of being stuck, not knowing what I want to do, listening to
everyone else and thinking to myself why can I never be that lucky. I will
never be that lucky, I know that. But I need to stop sitting around and wait
for things to fall into place, wait for the most amazing experience to come
right in front of my eyes. It’s never going to happen if I don’t try.
If there is one thing I have learned, my life has never been
a plain sail, I've encountered storms and hurricanes along the way. I’ve taken
every set back with a knock to my confidence and to who I am. I can’t allow
that now!! Turning 26 in a matter of days and I feel I have nothing to show for
life, nothing I can say I am deeply proud of. I don’t want the life where I
look back and think of all my regrets and mistakes, I want the life where I
look back and think of how it was to live and be free to make my own choices
and excel in them.
I've got this feeling in my stomach that I have always used
as a guide. When I feel that tightness in the pit of my stomach it’s clear that
what I am doing or what I want to do means so much to me it’s causing me to
react with fear. But isn't it we fear change? Therefore never taking the leap?
I've always played it safe, I’d get that gut wrenching feeling then all of a
sudden I’m lost, I don’t want to go on any further in case I go in to deep and
can’t find my way back. And then everyone around me becomes my guide, all their
voices telling me their own opinions, all the while I’m there looking on
blankly hoping a decision I should be making is made for me. I listen and then
I think to myself about how much of my life I am potentially wasting because I
am allowing my fear of new things to get the better of me.
“Be ruled by your
hopes not your fears” – Nelson Mandela
I came across this quote a week after Nelson Mandela’s
unfortunate death. I read it and it stuck in my mind. For so long I have let my
fears rule me and what I have wanted to do, I went to university comparing
myself to everyone around me. I believed my boyfriend at the time was so much
more talented then I was, I held him on a pedestal forever competing with him.
Wanting myself to do as good as he had, wanting to create all he had done, but
we are different people and it’s this realisation of my fear holding me back
that has made me see that. I was scared to allow myself to venture out and try
new ideas, I thought if I failed it would have all been for nothing and I would
have regretted that decision, so as usual I played it safe.
I have a degree and that I am thankful for yet I have found
myself unable to use my learnings. Applying over and over again, the same old
thing happens. Nothing!! I hear nothing, I get no reply, I am left with
nothing. No explanation, no reason, nothing!! So now I see what it is that
holds me back, makes me think and stops me from trying. Nothing is a funny
thing to be scared of. You are literally scared of a void, something you
haven’t experienced because you weren't’t given the chance.
After writing this piece is where I thought grow some balls, and start making things happen!!!! Here's hoping my new can do attitude pays off...
Love always
Yeliz
xoxo
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